A Modern Declaration of Independence (Updated)

On or near Independence Day I make it a tradition to re-read the Declaration of Independence.  I’ve also started this year reading it to my kids, so they’ll know about the document that started America.  Many families won’t get that privilege.

This is because the Declaration of Independence is a document full of horrendous language unacceptable in a modern society.  No worries, though, I’m here to help.  What follows is a copy of the Declaration, suitably revised for our modern era, so all may read it and be free of offense.

*UPDATE: I’ve enlisted the services of David Meyer Lindeberg to make sure this document is free from offense.  He’s a heck of a proofreader.  Tim Cushing at Techdirt was nice enough to run this through the Oppressive Language Detection Filter as well. Fault Lines managing editor Scott Greenfield also contributed.  With their help we’ll make this document completely, patriotically inoffensive and culturally proper!

*Update x2: The Oppressive Language Detection filter caught one more term. Hopefully that’s it.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of [speciest slur] events, it becomes necessary for one [identitarian slur] to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the [classist slur] station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s [deist slur] entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of [gendered term] requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all [gendered term] are created equal, that they are endowed by their [omitted due to microagresson against atheists] with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among [gendered term], deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,

–That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the [speciest slur] to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that [gendered term] are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new [trigger warning] for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present [gendered patriarchal term] of [trigger warning: country of racist old white people] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a [Latin racial slur] world.

[Gendered Term][content omitted because promotes rape culture] to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

[Gendered Term] has forbidden [improprer pronoun] Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till [improper pronoun] [affirmative consent] [must] be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

[Gendered term further omitted] has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of [speciest slur], unless those [speciest slur] would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

[omitted] has called together legislative [ableist slur] at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

[omitted] has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with [gendered terms promoting rape culture] [improper pronoun] invasions on the rights of the [speciest slur].

[omitted] has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the [speciest slur] at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

[omitted] has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of [racist slur]; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

[omitted] has obstructed the Administration of Justice, [content omitted for promoting rape culture] to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

[omitted] has made Judges dependent on [improper pronoun] [gendered name] alone, for the tenure of their [content omitted for classism].

[Omitted] has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to [content omitted for promoting rape culture, ableist slurs, and sexist language].

[Omitted] has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies [content omitted for classism and promotion of rape culture].

[Omitted] has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to [inappropariate classism].

[Omitted] has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; [content omitted for promoting rape culture] of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering [content omitted for classism and rape culture]:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For [omitted for classism and promotion of rape culture]:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences

For [omitted for racist language denoting a country of racist old white people] in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and [sexist term] its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, [racist term] our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, [patriarchal language].

[Omitted] has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of [improper pronoun] Protection and waging War against us.

[Omitted] has [content omitted for promotion of rape culture] of our [speciest slur].

[Omitted] is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the [ableist term] of a [classist slur] nation.

[Omitted] has constrained our fellow [classist slur] taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and [misogynistic term], or to fall themselves by their Hands.

[Omitted] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless [racist slur], whose known rule of warfare, [omitted for promotion of racist stereotypes].

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A [gendered classist slur] whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free [speciest slur].

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our [Country full of racist old white people] [misogynistic term]. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their [racist slur] justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been [ableist slur] to the voice of justice and of [microaggressive term omitted].

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of [gendered term], Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the [deist slur] for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good [speciest slur] of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the [Country of racist old white people] [classist slur], and that all political connection between them and the State of [Country of racist old white people], is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of [deist slur], we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our [classist term] and our sacred Honor.

There.  I hope that helps.  If I missed anything, please let me know in the comments or on Twitter at @clsesq with the hashtag #UpdatedDeclaration and I’ll update accordingly.  Let’s make sure this great document is readable without traumatizing anyone.