I received the following accompanied by litigation demanding publication of this post. As Mediation is Dead believes in effective communication, I’m running this “guest opinion piece” until such time as the litigation is resolved. If you’re still reading this, it’s Thursday and I’m in a mood. And this is totally a parody.
Hello. My name is Attorney Keith Nguyen. You might have heard about me recently in a very unflattering article in the Houston Press regarding a young lady who I no longer represent and is currently the subject of a lawsuit from my firm. Don’t worry, we’re suing the Houston Press too, since they didn’t call me by my proper pronoun, which is Attorney, just in case you want to stay clear of your own personal lawsuit. I want to take the time to address some of the horrible things being said about me on social media and review sites.
First, no, I did not try to steal “War C.” from Irvine, California’s personal collection of bondage gear. I didn’t feed his dog chocolate, and I most certainly didn’t threaten to defile the corpses of his grandparents. Those statements are atrocious and shocking. I’ve never even been to Irvine!
Second, “Jon C.” from Ridgewood, New York, I’ll have you know posting pictures of Lionel Hutz in reference to my firm is legally actionable too. Your adorable picture with some funny words attached to it is considered “hate speech” under 87 USC §§ 1776, subsection (b)(3:16), and right now we’re FOIAing Yelp to get your name and address so we can sue you for that.
All this nonsense about our firm’s staff being unable to speak proper English is racist as well. And the comments that we’re a “bunch of snakes” is out of line too. The current litigation is absolutely just and proper, and you jerks with keyboards getting your jollies off by leaving one star reviews with snide comments or links to that damn Houston Press article isn’t helping at all. Don’t worry, we’re working with Yelp to have all your accounts “permanently suspended.” If it works for Ghostbusters and Twitter, it’ll work for me and my firm.
Honestly, I don’t know where this whole “inability to take criticism” thing is coming from. I handle criticism just as well as any other lawyer. Why, yesterday one of the partners came into the office and admonished me for inaccurately spacing a case citation and I only spent forty minutes sobbing into my pillow that night. That’s a great display of stoic behavior, worthy of any attorney I’ve ever seen. Just because my firm is suing a 20 year old college student who said bad things about me online doesn’t mean I can’t take constructive critiques.
And before any of you get started commenting on this post about how this lawsuit stifles this young lady’s “free speech,” it’s not protected by the First Amendment because I’m not the government, so you can just go back to your mother’s basement and figure out some other argument. Your actions online have consequences in the real world, and that’s what this young lady’s finding out as a result of the suit brought by my firm.
Look, I’m all for free speech, okay? But it has to be taken in moderation. As Justice Schenk famously held in an often-cited Supreme Court Opinion, “You can’t shout theatre in a crowded fire and the Constitution is a suicide pact.” That’s from the U.S. Supreme Court. The BIG one. So think about that before you start mouthing off about me or my law firm. I can cite case law. I could probably sue you into bankruptcy by staring at you. That’s how great of a lawyer I am.
So just let this go, okay? Don’t talk about it or we’ll sue you.
[like I said at the top, this is a PARODY and NOT ACTUALLY KEITH NGUYEN]
Hulk Hogan* won $115 million in compensatory damages from Gawker Media on March 18, 2016 on conclusion of his defamation trial. I had a pretty solid grasp Hogan knew he would win this case long before the trial began. That’s because I’m a student of history, and know that Hogan doesn’t take calculated risks unless he’s damn sure it’s going to pay off. If you weren’t paying attention to history, or how Hogan conveys his image and works a crowd, you wouldn’t have seen how he exercised his “creative control” in tandem with his attorneys to reach a favorable verdict.
I’m going to put you in the Wayback Machine** and show you how Terry “Not Hulk Hogan” Bollea’s history as a performer and his manipulation of reality brought him a jury verdict of $115 million. I’m doing this because as I write this Hulk Hogan is magically being re-written into existence by his former employer, World Wrestling Entertainment, after being scrubbed from their history books eight months ago. You can’t “pull a Benoit” on a guy who just won a major lawsuit against a media conglomerate and not be afraid of the repercussions in your own life, especially if you’re a publicly traded company.
The term “Pulling a Benoit” unfortunately requires a brief discussion of Chris Benoit. Benoit, over a three day period in June of 2007, killed his wife and son, then committed suicide. Benoit’s death was originally discussed on WWE.com and through their mobile alert services, and on June 25 the planned “Monday Night RAW” show was replaced with a tribute to Benoit’s life and career. The next morning, police reports began to surface that Benoit may have killed his wife and son, then committed suicide. That night, WWE aired a pre-recorded statement from its Chairman, Vince McMahon, before the “ECW” show began.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Last night on Monday Night Raw, the WWE presented a special tribute show, recognizing the career of Chris Benoit. However, now some 26 hours later, the facts of this horrific tragedy are now apparent. Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Mr. Benoit’s name tonight.
And there wouldn’t be a mention of Chris Benoit in the WWE “universe” ever again. Benoit was scrubbed from the history books. His name appears in very few places in WWE merchandise, and you won’t find a mention of him on the WWE network now. This is what I call “pulling a Benoit.”: erasing someone from conscious thought by scrubbing mentions of him from the public eye.
Now let’s discuss Hulk Hogan. Doing this requires going back to 1996, and a discussion of Hogan’s run in World Championship Wrestling, or WCW.
World Championship Wrestling in 1996 was hot commodity in the pro wrestling business. Their New World Order (nWo) storyline was so hot people watching TV would call the police over filmed backstage segments they believed to be actual gang violence.
Hogan’s WCW career, however, was floundering. Despite a ticker-tape parade announcing his arrival, and getting numerous headlining spots, all eyes were on the formative days of the nWo. Hogan wanted those eyes on him, so he decided to do something he’d not done in thirteen years. Hulk Hogan would turn heel (become a bad guy), and in a major way. This was an incredibly calculated risk, because it could have destroyed his career. Hogan would have to kill “Hulkamania” to pull this off and he knew it.
When you spend over a decade crafting an image of the “Real American,” making the “Hulkamania” brand something that’s recognized positively on the psyche of the viewer, a heel turn will kill that image and carries the potential to backfire heavily. Hogan knew this, so he made sure that it would count financially for him in the long run. His next contract with WCW would grant him more benefits than most talents would ever get in their professional careers. Hogan knew his next contract would be ridiculous, because he’d be negotiating from a position of power. And when contract negotiations began, “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan would exploit that power ruthlessly.
His 1998 four year contract with WCW guaranteed Hogan would earn $24,250,000, bare minimum. Hogan would get revenue from the gates at house shows. He’d get a percentage of Pay Per View sales based on buy rates. He’d get ludicrous amounts of royalties from merchandise, even going as far as to get a “promoting” fee for the nWo. First class air fare, paid for by Turner Sports, the ability to work any schedule he wanted, and even creative control over the way his character was booked.
E. Bollea shall have the approval of the outcome in all wrestling matches in which he appears, wrestles and performs, such approval not to be unreasonably withheld.
That’s the “creative control” clause, and it’s going to be important later. Hogan became obsessed with having “the approval of the outcome” in any of his life events, not just pro wrestling matches. He would take that obsession and and would leverage his “creative control” straight through to his favorable verdict against Gawker.
And so the WWE has not only terminated their contract with Hogan for his damning words, but it’s also completely removed him from many areas of its website. In a situation similar to former wrestler Chris Benoit’s murder-suicide back in 2007, the WWE apparently wants to make it look like they’ve never had anything to do with Hogan, even removing him from their Hall of Fame listing. (emphasis added)
“WWE terminated its contract with Terry Bollea (a.k.a. Hulk Hogan). WWE is committed to embracing and celebrating individuals from all backgrounds as demonstrated by the diversity of our employees, performers and fans worldwide.”
Now let’s move to the present day, where Hulk Hogan sued Gawker Media over their dissemination of a one minute and forty second excerpt of his sex tape. That defamation suit was a calculated risk for Hogan, and he knew it. Hogan’s been a performer all his life in a physical version of improv, so the end result was a masterful display of Hogan and his legal team exercising “creative control” over the outcome of his lawsuit.
Absent the name “Hulk Hogan,” the new argument becomes there’s two people in discussion. One is Hulk Hogan, the public figure who boasts about the size of his “python” and his sexual prowess on radio. The other is Terry Bollea, and Bollea has an expectation of privacy Hulk Hogan does not. Bollea was upset his privacy was invaded by Gawker’s dissemination of one minute and forty seconds of the sex tape made eight years ago.
All the while, the jury isn’t seeing Terry Bollea. They’re seeing Hulk Hogan talking about a man named Terry Bollea. This Tampa jury is seeing Hulk Hogan, a man always fights “for what’s right” tell them a guy named Terry Bollea had his privacy invaded, and that’s wrong. The “Hulkamaniacs” on the jury listened and gave Bollea $115 million in compensatory damages.
With that $115 million verdict the WWE is working full-time to restore the Hogan name to their “universe.” Don’t be surprised if Hogan gets his Legends contract reinstated and a return to the Hall of Fame. WWE doesn’t want a lawsuit when their biggest focus is keeping shareholders happy, especially not against a man who just won a defamation suit against a media conglomerate over his hurt feelings.
“Pulling a Benoit” on a dead guy who committed a reprehensible act is one thing. Doing the same thing to a guy over a word uttered eight years ago on a sex tape who just scored bank doesn’t look good when you understand his ability to leverage “creative control” into hundreds of millions of dollars. Vince McMahon and his legal team have been watching the outcome of this trial, and they know Hogan’s history. They know how he’ll take the benefits of a calculated risk and exploit it for maximum gain.
And they’re afraid of what he’ll do if his focus turns to Titan Towers.
*He’s Hulk Hogan. I don’t care that his real name is Terry Gene Bollea. You spend a lifetime calling yourself “Hulk Hogan,” that’s what I’ll call you.
**A series of references and a discussion of Hulk Hogan requires a return to this video: