I received the following accompanied by litigation demanding publication of this post. As Mediation is Dead believes in effective communication, I’m running this “guest opinion piece” until such time as the litigation is resolved. If you’re still reading this, it’s Thursday and I’m in a mood. And this is totally a parody.
Hello. My name is Attorney Keith Nguyen. You might have heard about me recently in a very unflattering article in the Houston Press regarding a young lady who I no longer represent and is currently the subject of a lawsuit from my firm. Don’t worry, we’re suing the Houston Press too, since they didn’t call me by my proper pronoun, which is Attorney, just in case you want to stay clear of your own personal lawsuit. I want to take the time to address some of the horrible things being said about me on social media and review sites.
First, no, I did not try to steal “War C.” from Irvine, California’s personal collection of bondage gear. I didn’t feed his dog chocolate, and I most certainly didn’t threaten to defile the corpses of his grandparents. Those statements are atrocious and shocking. I’ve never even been to Irvine!
Second, “Jon C.” from Ridgewood, New York, I’ll have you know posting pictures of Lionel Hutz in reference to my firm is legally actionable too. Your adorable picture with some funny words attached to it is considered “hate speech” under 87 USC §§ 1776, subsection (b)(3:16), and right now we’re FOIAing Yelp to get your name and address so we can sue you for that.
All this nonsense about our firm’s staff being unable to speak proper English is racist as well. And the comments that we’re a “bunch of snakes” is out of line too. The current litigation is absolutely just and proper, and you jerks with keyboards getting your jollies off by leaving one star reviews with snide comments or links to that damn Houston Press article isn’t helping at all. Don’t worry, we’re working with Yelp to have all your accounts “permanently suspended.” If it works for Ghostbusters and Twitter, it’ll work for me and my firm.
Honestly, I don’t know where this whole “inability to take criticism” thing is coming from. I handle criticism just as well as any other lawyer. Why, yesterday one of the partners came into the office and admonished me for inaccurately spacing a case citation and I only spent forty minutes sobbing into my pillow that night. That’s a great display of stoic behavior, worthy of any attorney I’ve ever seen. Just because my firm is suing a 20 year old college student who said bad things about me online doesn’t mean I can’t take constructive critiques.
And before any of you get started commenting on this post about how this lawsuit stifles this young lady’s “free speech,” it’s not protected by the First Amendment because I’m not the government, so you can just go back to your mother’s basement and figure out some other argument. Your actions online have consequences in the real world, and that’s what this young lady’s finding out as a result of the suit brought by my firm.
Look, I’m all for free speech, okay? But it has to be taken in moderation. As Justice Schenk famously held in an often-cited Supreme Court Opinion, “You can’t shout theatre in a crowded fire and the Constitution is a suicide pact.” That’s from the U.S. Supreme Court. The BIG one. So think about that before you start mouthing off about me or my law firm. I can cite case law. I could probably sue you into bankruptcy by staring at you. That’s how great of a lawyer I am.
So just let this go, okay? Don’t talk about it or we’ll sue you.
[like I said at the top, this is a PARODY and NOT ACTUALLY KEITH NGUYEN]