Thought Experiment: WWE Draft

Tuesday night is a big night for those who watch World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programming.  Smackdown, traditionally considered the “B” show of the company’s programming, is going live on the USA network.  To celebrate, the new “heads” of Raw and Smackdown will hold a draft to determine the fate of WWE and NXT’s superstars.  I don’t have any skin in this, but I wanted to take a moment and conduct my own “draft” to see how things might play out.

For the purposes of this little thought experiment, I’m stepping into the shoes of Shane McMahon, the new head of Smackdown.  I want my brand to be different immediately from Raw, which made a name for itself in the nineties as the place for outlandish interactions between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon, the battle between Kane and the Undertaker, the Corporate Ministry, and more.  I’m interested in making my brand feel more as “sport” than “sports-entertainment.”  That’s my strategy going in to make my two hours of live TV “can’t miss.”

We’re going to take the actual rules of the WWE Draft as recently announced, which go as follows:

  1. Raw has the first overall pick.
  2. Since Smackdown Live is a two hour show, and Raw is three hours, for every two picks Smackdown gets Raw will get three picks
  3. Tag Teams count as one pick unless a Commissioner/GM specifically only wants one member of the team.
  4. Six picks will be made off the NXT roster.

I’m also using the list of “draft eligible” stars off WWE.com for this little experiment.

Round one:

  1. Dean Ambrose to RAW, John Cena to Raw, and Seth Rollins to Raw
  2. AJ Styles to Smackdown and the Club (Gallows and Anderson) to Smackdown.

I’m focusing on Sport, and I want the focus to be on talent with more “sport” than “sports entertainment” for this brand.  Therefore, I take three guys who have experience in New Japan with a “sports” feel and leave Raw with Cena, the Champ, and Rollins so you have a built in feud and the iconic face of WWE.

Round two:

  1. The New Day to RAW, Rusev to Raw, and Charlotte to Raw.
  2. Enzo and Cass to Smackdown, Cesaro to Smackdown

I place this in the realm again of looking at Raw trying to hold the champs.  Smackdown needs a colorful tag team to feud with the Club, and I want Cesaro for his athletic ability.

Round three:

  1. Brock Lesnar to Raw, The Dudley Boys to Raw, and Demon Kane to Raw
  2. Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens to Smackdown

This might seem like a counter-intuitive pick.  Give the beast to Raw, a good tag team that can put good matches with The New Day, and Kane shows up for a heel figure that would serve in a great authority figure role if you needed someone as a check on the GM.  With Smackdown I want two guys that can go and continually put out consistent matches night after night.  Zayn and Owens fit that role perfectly.

Round four:

  1. Chris Jericho to Raw, The Usos to Raw, and Roman Reigns to Raw
  2. The Miz to Smackdown, Neville to Smackdown, and the Vaudevillians to Smackdown.

So this continues a pick of the big names going to Raw, with additions of the Usos and Reigns to Raw.  I see the big names getting picked by my counterpart.  I want a champ of some sort on my show, so I get the Miz who holds the IC belt.  I want a high flyer and Neville fits that.  The Vaudevillians have a certain kitschy feel to them, so I want them for my show to make things different.

Round Five (the NXT Round)

  1. Shinsuke Nakamura to Raw, The Revival to Raw, and Askua to Raw
  2. Finn Balor to Smackdown, American Alpha to Smackdown

Nakamura needs time on the big stage on Raw, and his presence could help offset some of the major names on Raw that would have great matches with him.  I want Balor to act as the anchoring member of the Club or keep him as a face to feud with the Club, and American Alpha fits the “sport” mentality I see present for Smackdown.

Round Six:

  1. Alberto Del Rio to Raw, Paige to Raw, Becky Lynch to Raw
  2. Bayley to Smackdown, Sasha Banks to Smackdown

This fills out my quota of NXT stars and gives some diversity to the women’s division.  I also think Raw needs the Latino superstar, and two of the major Women’s Division talent to round them out.  I think Sasha Banks and Bayley can carry a good feud for the Smackdown Women’s title, so that’s my picks there.

Round Seven:

  1. Randy Orton to Raw, the Social Outcasts to Raw, and Big Show to Raw
  2. Bray Wyatt and the Wyatt Family to Smackdown

I make this pick because I think Orton, the Outcasts, and Big Show all have value to the Raw Brand.  Orion and Show are the big names that already have value.  The Social Outcasts are a niche group that will bring some JOB Squad level talent to the mix and can work as “enhancement talent” for any group or person they face.  Plus it’d be cool if they decided “we’re tired of the jobber role and are ready to gang up on people.”  I think Bray and the Wyatt Family are criminally underused on Raw, so I’d take them all for Smackdown.

So I hope this shows you a good view of continually working towards two different products that make Raw and Smackdown distinguishable and ready to compete with either brand.  If I had my druthers, I’d put a commentary team of JBL, Michael Cole, and Byron Saxton on Raw, with Smackdown getting Mauro Ranallo, Daniel Bryan, and Jerry Lawler (if he ever recovers from his legal battles).  Other rounds can make for good fodder off camera, but I think seven rounds of picks on TV plus after show picks will make the dearth of the draft.

If you have other picks, or think I’m dead wrong, tell me in comments or hit me up on Twitter @clsesq.

Clarifying Bernie.

Yesterday Bernie Sanders took to Medium in defense of his support for Hillary Clinton’s Presidential bid.  I’m not surprised the whorehopper went to the one platform where his millennial fan base would flock, something owned by Twitter, to defend his complete and utter sell-out of those who truly asked for change.  He made some points defending his endorsement of Supreme Queen Clinton.  I’m going to help clarify them.  All bolded statements are my emphasis.

I am writing you today to express my deep pride in the movement — the political revolution — you and I have created together over the last 15 months. When we began this historic campaign, we were considered fringe players by the political, economic and media establishment. Well, we proved them wrong.

Yup.  Sure did.  You managed to allow yourselves to get branded as sexist (anyone with half a memory remember the BernieBro slur hurled at those men and women who dared support anyone other than Queen Clinton?), displayed a spineless campaign strategy of “being the nice guy,” promised far more than you could ever deliver, and didn’t come close to rebutting the fears Americans have of the “S” word you kept throwing around.

We showed that the American people support a bold, progressive agenda that takes on the billionaire class, that fights for racial, social, economic and environmental justice and that seeks to create a government that works for all of us and not just the big campaign donors.

By jumping right on the corporate teat and begging for the table scraps, like a good Whorehopper would.

We mobilized over 13 million voters across the country. We won 23 Democratic primary and caucus contests. We had literally hundreds of thousands of volunteers across the country. And we showed — in a way that can change politics in America forever — that you can run a competitive national grassroots campaign without begging millionaires and billionaires for campaign contributions.

Senator Whorehopper, a few of those donors would like their money back, and if you could just be a dear and apologize for wasting your volunteers’ time I think they’d really appreciate that too.

This movement of ours — this political revolution — must continue. We cannot let all of the momentum we have achieved in the fight to transform America be lost. We will never stop fighting for what is right.

And we’re going to do it Hillary’s way, because Senator Whorehopper totally spoke with her before announcing any strategies to transform America, and she’s totes cool with it, you guys.

It is true that in terms of winning the Democratic nomination, we did come up short. But this election was never about me or any candidate. It was about the powerful coming together of millions of people to take their country back from the billionaire class. That was the strength of our campaign and it will be the strength of our movement going forward in the months and years ahead.

Um, Senator Whorehopper, elections are about candidates.  They’re about the people we allegedly pick to run this country.  That’s their sole purpose.  Standing around with your fist raised in the air does nothing.  Actually getting to the White House, or Congress, or your local Congress and working for the people who helped you get there.  The “strength of your campaign” and the “strength of your movement” amounted to a bunch of whining and crying without ever accomplishing a damn thing in your allegedly radical brain.

In terms of the presidential election this November, there is no doubt that the election of Donald Trump as president would be a devastating blow to all that we are fighting for. His openly bigoted and pro-billionaire campaign could precipitate the same decades-long rightward shift in American politics that happened after the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980. That rightward shift after Reagan’s election infected not just politics as a whole but led to the ascendancy of the corporatist wing of the Democratic Party — an era from which we are still recovering.

To have all of the work we have done in elevating our progressive ideals be dashed away by a complete Republican takeover of Washington — a takeover headed by a candidate that demonizes Latinos, Muslims, women, African Americans, veterans, and others — would be unthinkable.

TL;DR: Those damned Republicans.  It’s always the damned Republicans, fucking shit up for the working class.  Even when it’s our people fucking shit up for you, it’s always the Republicans’ fault.  Remember that when you go to the polls.  Don’t think for yourself, don’t cast blame on the people who go Team Blue, just pull the lever for anyone who isn’t a Republican.  It’s always their fault, even when we were the fuckups.

Today, I endorsed Hillary Clinton to be our next president. I know that some of you will be disappointed with that decision. But I believe that, at this moment, our country, our values, and our common vision for a transformed America, are best served by the defeat of Donald Trump and the election of Hillary Clinton.

Because if she gets elected then I’ll get my own little shed at the back of the White House where I can hang my pictures of Marx and Lenin and think I actually did something to make this country better again.  Hillary and Bill both told me last night at the $500 a plate fundraiser we attended.  Hell, I even met one of the Koch brothers who said I was doing the right thing by being #WithHer!

You should know that in the weeks since the last primary, both campaigns have worked together in good faith to bridge some of the policy issues that divided us during the election. Did we come to agreement on everything? Of course not. But we made important steps forward.

Translation: “She told me what to say, and I said “yes ma’am” so I might have a chance at keeping my home in Vermont or sucking off campaign teats as Senator Sanders later on.  Never fuck with a Clinton, no sir–um, no ma’am.

 The truth is our movement is responsible for the most progressive Democratic platform in the history of our country. All of that is the direct result of the work that our members of the platform committee did in the meetings and that you have been doing over the last 15 months.

But none of these initiatives will happen if we do not elect a Democratic president in November. None! In fact, we will go backward. We must elect the Democratic nominee in November and progressive Democrats up and down the ballot so that we ensure that these policy commitments can advance.

You guys, please, please vote for Her and all her buddies.  In fact, just get on the “approved representatives” list on Queen Hillary’s website and vote for all of them.  They may all be influenced by corporate slavemasters, but so what?  That way you can be on the right side of history and I might get weed legalized for you.  Work with me, please.  Don’t walk out like that.

It is extremely important that we keep our movement together, that we hold public officials accountable and that we elect progressive candidates to office at the federal, state, and local level who will stand with us.

Did you see the shit Queen Hillary pulled with the FBI?  Holy cow.  I need in on that action before I get two to the dome. That’s why you #StandWithHer.

You should know that I intend to be actively campaigning throughout this election season to elect candidates who will stand by our agenda. I hope to see many of you at events from coast to coast.

If I’m lucky, Queen Hillary (and she keeps telling me to call her that because that’s the preferred pronoun.  Queen.  Remember that) will even let me off my leash and go campaign on my own like a big boy.

Now more than ever our country needs our movement — our political revolution. As you have throughout this historic campaign, I ask for your ongoing support as we continue through the fall and beyond.

All campaign donations go to HillaryClinton.com from this point forward.  Oh and I saved you the trouble and gave her all my email lists and campaign donor information.  You’re welcome.  We have to be good guys and gals about this.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my regularly scheduled masturbation session over a copy of Das Kapital.

On a personal note, I cannot say with words how appreciative Jane and I are of the kindness, dedication and love we experienced from so many people across the country.

On a personal note, you’re welcome, Senator Whorehopper.  Now go fuck yourself.

A Day Of Hunting Pokemon In Tennessee

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Unless you’ve been under a rock, you know of the strange, mind-bending phenomenon known as Pokemon Go.  Nintendo’s first foray into the mobile gaming world brought them a massive stock jump, revenue potentially surpassing that of the Wii, and even placing them into a category where catching little digital monsters matters more to people than sex.  As I rather enjoy gaming and culture, I had to give this a shot.

Mind you, I am old enough to remember when Pokemon was first available for the Nintendo Gameboy and you got to select “Red” or “Blue.”  I also remember the special “Yellow” variant when that damned cartoon came along and fucked everything up for people who had to make the difficult choice between Charmander or Squirtle.

So I picked up the Augmented Reality version people are raving about, the one that could potentially bring lawsuits in addition to the criminal acts already being committed over imaginary animals projected on a digital screen.  In the interests of sharing with you, the reader, what the fuss is all about, I took a day and went hunting for Pokemon in 90 degree Tennessee heat.

You start the game getting your instructions from some white haired asshat that tells you he needs your help finding Pokemon, and that you must catch as many as possible using these little red and white balls he provides you.  They are finite in amount, and only get replenished through one of two methods: earn them by leveling up and visiting PokeStops, or paying out cash for the in-game currency, PokeCoins.  Yes, everything in this game has some PokeShit element to it, just like every Mortal Kombat game had to replace each C with a K for branding purposes.

At first, you’re constrained to finding and catching Pokemon when you’re not recharging your phone.  This game is a massive battery drain as it requires the GPS system on your phone be active while the app is active.  When I’m out with a mileage tracker app and Pokemon Go both requiring to know where I am, when I am, the battery to my iPhone 5s loses stamina faster than Jeb Bush lost energy this election cycle.  Nevertheless, when you hit a spot with a nearby Pokemon, you see a little shuffling in digital grass, and then the appearance of said Pocket Monster once you get close enough.  This is a weird situation for people who are walking past others’ houses looking for the errant Pokemon that might be in a yard.   The new normal is people standing outside your house with their phones raised at your front door, flinging PokeBalls at Pokemon on their phones.

In my neck of the woods, this behavior gets you shot.

Eventually you are forced to take sides.  At level five, since the game didn’t think to add in a component letting you be creative and make your own teams, you must choose between Team Mystic (blue), Team Valor (red), or Team Instinct (yellow).  The game designers say it’s got no bearing on how your gameplay works, and I have a bunch of friends far more advanced in the game than I who went Team Mystic, so I voted Blue for the first time in a long time.  Picking a side in this new version of a Civil War allows you to battle gyms, which are physical locations that somehow Nintendo thought were great spots to have random freaks like me show up, sit in the parking lot, and battle imaginary monsters on their phones in order to achieve digital superiority.

Mind you, I don’t give a shit whether my Pinsir or Bulbashit or however you say it wins a damn battle.  I’m having fun on my day off.  This is when I get to the fun part, the stuff that makes this game transcend the mundane aspects of human experience and allows for something really special to happen.

I go to a nearby shopping center to load up on PokeBalls, as I’m running low, and these little digital freaks must be attained at all costs (without me spending money, as I am a cheap bastard).  As I get to one of the PokeStops, there’s a group of four teenage boys re-upping their supplies, just like me.

“What team are you with?” one calls.
“Depends on who’s asking.” I reply.

“We are.”
“I’m with the team that’s on the right side of history.  Team Mystic.”

One of the kids starts laughing.  “Bro, you’re in the wrong territory.  This is Team Instinct turf.  We’ve got four towers in Knoxville already!”

I retort.  “Team Mystic has the White House.”

Yes, there’s a Pokemon Gym at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and some preteen shit managed to do what the British couldn’t during the Revolutionary War.  Or maybe one of President Obama’s kids thought it a good idea to make sure the White House was Team Mystic.  Regardless, I get to hold that one over those little bastards’ heads.  I’m with the winners.  They’re sitting with their little Pikachus in their hands, wondering how someone like me managed to come out on top without ever fighting one gym battle.

This game is poison.  It’s disruptive to the mind.  It’s all too similar to a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode pointed out by comedian Patrick Cunningham.  And I don’t mind one damn bit of it.  Because in that one moment,  a singular shining moment of the digital world speaking across generations, a stupid Nintendo game allowed a thirtysomething guy to actually speak to and engage a group of teenagers on the same level.  We broke past normal communication barriers, found common ground, and it all worked out.

And I still beat them all.
Because being a bastard works.

Three in One Week.

Three different shootings in one week’s time.

First Alton Sterling, a guy selling CDs, gunned down by police.  That was bad enough.  Immediately we got word of his record, the fact he was a “sex offender,” that the shoot was “righteous” and “probably preventable.”  None of this made taking a human life any easier to digest.

We barely got through one day before social media became awash with the Facebook live streaming of Philando Castile’s death.  That one hit harder than Sterling, largely because of his little girl saying “It’s okay Mommy, I’m here for you.”  I retreated to my family for that one, largely because I have a little girl, and wanted to hold her tight that night.

Less than twenty-four hours past that death, we get Dallas.  Five police officers lose their lives in what appears to be a coordinated domestic terrorist attack.  One shooter apparently stated this was about the deaths of Sterling and Castile, and that he wanted to take out as many police officers as possible.  Bonus points if those cops were white.

This isn’t America, and yet we’ve allowed ourselves to sink to a new low.  We allowed it through social media, and calls for violence against each other.  We allowed a degeneration in discourse by sinking to the level of charged memes that don’t present nuanced views of the world.  We’re expected to make our points in 140 characters or less, and if you don’t express anything less than the correct view you’re painted with the full blast of “ists.”  Racist, sexist, ableist, etc.  It just goes on and on without any real meaning to the words.

I’ve seen good, honest people say the deaths in Dallas were justified, that we can’t reach any solution without violence.  I’ve seen people who are content to spew filth behind the anonymity of a keyboard reach the conclusion the only way change comes is if blood is shed.  I’ve seen police officers, people with families, reduced to talking points and depicted as animals tied to Rich Uncle Pennybags’ waist. All this because we’ve stopped talking and started screaming.

Here’s a really interesting thought experiment:  What if we stopped screaming and started talking?  When someone says something you disagree with, why not dispose of the name calling and ask them what they really meant by the statement that offended you so badly you had to run screaming to a puppy room?

For every single “Fuck the Police,” is there a “Fuck Racism” or “Fuck Senseless Deaths” to match?

Maybe, just maybe, we could get past all that and proceed straight to “We’ve got some problems, now it’s time for a serious discussion?”  Or are we so wrapped up in the next PokeStop we find, working on our respective Klout score, and pandering to our Periscope viewer audience that real, intelligent discussion is past our view?

A few days ago I poked a bit of fun at the Declaration of Independence as viewed by modern society.  It was born out of the quickly escalating notion the Constitution is an outdated document that doesn’t reflect modern values or ideas and needs to be updated.  Smarter minds than I have repeatedly pointed out if we really want to go down that road, our Founders worked a mechanism into the document for that change.  If we really went that way, though, it wouldn’t just be the oft-maligned Second Amendment that went out the door.  It might be the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Eighth Amendments too.  Of course, all of that falls on deaf ears as we reach new lows in shifting blame on mass shootings and discussing why it’s a great idea to kill cops.

Here’s a better idea.  Instead of spreading hatred, spend time with those you love.  Give your family a hug.  Talk to an old friend you haven’t seen or heard from in ages.  Let them all know you care about them and love them.  Hold them tight, because you never know when it’ll be the last chance you get to do so.

Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, and the five officers in Dallas all had families.  Each family now grieves for a life lost, black, white, or blue.  Saying one death was “legal but preventable” or that the cops in Dallas “deserved to die” because “real revolution comes with violence” doesn’t make it any easier for those searching for ways to lay the dead to rest.

Take some time and show those you love that you mean it today.  Lay down the smart phone, stop trying to get extra likes or retweets, and focus on that what matters most: the lives of your loved ones.

A Modern Declaration of Independence (Updated)

On or near Independence Day I make it a tradition to re-read the Declaration of Independence.  I’ve also started this year reading it to my kids, so they’ll know about the document that started America.  Many families won’t get that privilege.

This is because the Declaration of Independence is a document full of horrendous language unacceptable in a modern society.  No worries, though, I’m here to help.  What follows is a copy of the Declaration, suitably revised for our modern era, so all may read it and be free of offense.

*UPDATE: I’ve enlisted the services of David Meyer Lindeberg to make sure this document is free from offense.  He’s a heck of a proofreader.  Tim Cushing at Techdirt was nice enough to run this through the Oppressive Language Detection Filter as well. Fault Lines managing editor Scott Greenfield also contributed.  With their help we’ll make this document completely, patriotically inoffensive and culturally proper!

*Update x2: The Oppressive Language Detection filter caught one more term. Hopefully that’s it.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of [speciest slur] events, it becomes necessary for one [identitarian slur] to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the [classist slur] station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s [deist slur] entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of [gendered term] requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all [gendered term] are created equal, that they are endowed by their [omitted due to microagresson against atheists] with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among [gendered term], deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,

–That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the [speciest slur] to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that [gendered term] are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new [trigger warning] for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present [gendered patriarchal term] of [trigger warning: country of racist old white people] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a [Latin racial slur] world.

[Gendered Term][content omitted because promotes rape culture] to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

[Gendered Term] has forbidden [improprer pronoun] Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till [improper pronoun] [affirmative consent] [must] be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

[Gendered term further omitted] has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of [speciest slur], unless those [speciest slur] would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

[omitted] has called together legislative [ableist slur] at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

[omitted] has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with [gendered terms promoting rape culture] [improper pronoun] invasions on the rights of the [speciest slur].

[omitted] has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the [speciest slur] at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

[omitted] has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of [racist slur]; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

[omitted] has obstructed the Administration of Justice, [content omitted for promoting rape culture] to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

[omitted] has made Judges dependent on [improper pronoun] [gendered name] alone, for the tenure of their [content omitted for classism].

[Omitted] has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to [content omitted for promoting rape culture, ableist slurs, and sexist language].

[Omitted] has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies [content omitted for classism and promotion of rape culture].

[Omitted] has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to [inappropariate classism].

[Omitted] has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; [content omitted for promoting rape culture] of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering [content omitted for classism and rape culture]:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For [omitted for classism and promotion of rape culture]:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences

For [omitted for racist language denoting a country of racist old white people] in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and [sexist term] its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, [racist term] our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, [patriarchal language].

[Omitted] has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of [improper pronoun] Protection and waging War against us.

[Omitted] has [content omitted for promotion of rape culture] of our [speciest slur].

[Omitted] is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the [ableist term] of a [classist slur] nation.

[Omitted] has constrained our fellow [classist slur] taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and [misogynistic term], or to fall themselves by their Hands.

[Omitted] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless [racist slur], whose known rule of warfare, [omitted for promotion of racist stereotypes].

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A [gendered classist slur] whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free [speciest slur].

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our [Country full of racist old white people] [misogynistic term]. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their [racist slur] justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been [ableist slur] to the voice of justice and of [microaggressive term omitted].

We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of [gendered term], Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the [deist slur] for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good [speciest slur] of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the [Country of racist old white people] [classist slur], and that all political connection between them and the State of [Country of racist old white people], is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of [deist slur], we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our [classist term] and our sacred Honor.

There.  I hope that helps.  If I missed anything, please let me know in the comments or on Twitter at @clsesq with the hashtag #UpdatedDeclaration and I’ll update accordingly.  Let’s make sure this great document is readable without traumatizing anyone.